We've all had our hearts broken, haven't we? I know people who've had their hearts ripped out of them and stomped on so badly, they are too afraid to Love again. Too scared of that kind of pain to let someone in again. I've also known those who have been severely, emotionally broken, and come out of it like champions. A dear friend of mine lost her husband, only a few months after their wedding to a horrible tragedy, and just over year later, is crazy in love again and has her smile back. Some of us have had our hearts broken by friends, or by family members, even our own children. But, of course the heartbreak I am dealing with right now, is the end of a relationship heartbreak.
I have had my share of heartbreak in the past year. The hurt and pain I felt when the judge awarded primary custody of Jasper to Josh was unlike anything I could even explain. When the judgment came, I first felt as though my world was spinning away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I lay on my bed and cried for a day or so before I could come up for air. After that, I was so sad that my entire body hurt. I tried to go back to work and left early several days in a row because I would burst out in tears. I remember having to leave the grocery store once because a lady and her son were in line behind me. He was about Jasper's age, wearing a super hero cape and reminded me so much of my munchkin, that I felt like I was going have a panic attack. I left my basket of groceries and ran out the door. It was a pain that was sometimes crippling, bringing me to my knees. I would talk to Bushai and Jasper at night to say goodnight, and get off the phone in tears. I knew immediately that I would have to make my way back to Albuquerque once again to bring all my kids together and to heal the pain in my heart.
Something that helped me through these difficult times were the people around me. Those dear, sweet folks that I called my community. My wonderful girlfriends who brought me wine and flowers, who met me for lunches out, who went out dancing with me to blow off steam, and who just listened. There was also a sweet man in my life who, although may not have known what to do with this emotionally broken girl at times, loved me all the same. We met 2 years ago this spring and although started out slow, spent the better part of that summer falling in love. Unfortunately, our entire relationship was built on the possibility of me leaving. My ex husband had made the decision to move and it made sense for me to follow suite, so as to keep the kids together. When I did so in the fall, my guy and I were sad, and the relationship was still so fresh, we sort of just fell into a routine of calling one another each night, and keeping it going, long distance. We saw one another a few times during visits back and forth. After only 4 months, I made the decision to head back to my little mountain town. I missed my good friends, I missed my sweet job at the bookstore, I missed my access to community events and the sense of belonging I felt there, and I missed my guy.
Unfortunately, my moving back, set off the beginning of the custody battle. Yay me!
For the next year however, I dealt with the ups and downs of all of it with a wonderful man at my side. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but, as a women in her early 40s, i'd never really had this sort of adult relationship. I was never in love with my kids' dad, never felt truly supported by him, hated having sex with him (yes, I know... horrible) and although I have had several other relationships, nothing had ever felt quite as real.
We had so much fun together. He plays guitar and sings songs, sometimes on stage, and he even wrote a couple about me. We cooked meals together, ate Thai food together, went on a few road trips to the beach together, binge watched tv shows together, shared secrets with one another, got a little too drunk together, and had, simply put, the most amazing, mind blowing sex with one other. Now, this may be getting a bit too personal, but, what the hell. So, a close girlfriend shared with me recently about her current guy. She said that her previous lover really rocked her world in the sack, knowing exactly how to please her, and she really loved fucking him, but this new guy, who she calls her soul mate, she says actually makes love to her. She said that with him, it's real and true. Well, with my man, I got the best of both worlds. We just... matched. In every way. And, it was beautiful, amazing and mind blowing EVERY SINGLE TIME! He even said to me on or last night together that sexually, we had a symbiotic relationship. We were amazing together because our bodies just naturally knew what to do when they were together.
So, fast forward to today. I finally made my way back to Albuquerque. Back to my kids. Back to my homeland. The hurt and heartbreak felt when I lost the custody battle is gone. Those places that had felt lost ad empty with out my sweet babies around are beginning to feel normal again. I can get back to being the mommy I always was. And it feels wonderful.
My poor, wrecked up, broken open, stitched back up again and torn apart again heart still hurts. That above mentioned heart break has been replaced with the open wound of a lost romance.
You see, my fella and I made the decision to break up when I left Prescott. We both knew that I would never really settle in here if my lover was there. That neither of us could afford to spend every other weekend going back and forth. That long distance relationships are difficult and heart wrenching. That we both deserve more than just long, nightly phone calls and time spent longing for one another.
The only thing is, right now, it hurts like hell.
Let me explain something here. The heart break felt when I wasn't with my kids and I was working toward it, but not sure how long it would take, I felt in my entire body. It brought me to my knees. It literally felt like a piece of my own body was missing. A limb, an important internal organ. I spoke to them every single day and saw them as often as I could. I knew that although they were not with me, they were with their dad, being taken care of, fed, loved, taken to school, and that I would be with them again soon.
The heartbreak I feel now is that aching longing for someone. That horrible love sick feeling. We ended our romance. We have allowed the other to be free. To move on. To get on with life....only we are both so tied up in the pain of it all that neither of us is functioning quite normally. We have spoken on the phone a couple of times, only to find ourselves stuck on words and not sure what to say, except "i miss you". We have texted. I am a true believer in letting someone know how you feel. I don't wait around. Call it aggressive, whatever, I just don't want to loose a sweet moment.
I texted him last night, told him I was missing him. That I was drinking wine and listening to music that reminded me of him and that I was sad and I was missing him. He texted back that he was very down. Something about him not really knowing what to do. That he couldn't even listen to music because every song he heard made him think of me.
This world is so crazy and I know that there are people out there with much worse problems. With much greater heartache. I know. Believe me, i'm about as sensitive to the human condition and as big of an empath as one can be. I'm just here, in this body, with this life, with these feelings. And this duality of mine is killing me. I had happiness with him, with my friends, my life, my community, in my little mountain town, but, I was missing my children. Now, have happiness with my children back in New Mexico, but, I'm missing my sweet man so very much! Why don't I get to have my worlds together?
Neither of us know how to do this. Do we stop calling? Do we check in once in a while? Should I unfriend him from facebook so I don't have to see when he's on there? I saw a few days ago that he'd "become friends with 'insert a girl's name here" and I almost lost it. I clicked her name, I looked at her pics, I tried to figure out who the hell she was, then realized she was someone from his work. She didn't look like his type anyway... she wasn't me.
How do people move on from something like this? How do they go about healing from a heartbreak that comes from circumstances. Nobody hurt the other, nobody fell out of Love, nobody cheated. We are two people who are hurting and longing for one another who's worlds just aren't meant to be together. Two people who deserve to have someone in their lives who truly loves them and all of their
idiosyncrasies and flaws. Another adult human to touch and tell their secrets to. To share meals with and have too much to drink with. To discuss the kids with and lift the others spirits after a long day.
Here I go, getting all wax poetic, but, what the hell, i'm a hopeless romantic with a big heart.
I miss being next to him. Feeling his skin. Smelling his hair. Making Love. Listening to him sing and play his guitar. I'll never stop believing in in Love, I just won't. But, tonight, right now, with my children all asleep here with me and my mama heart warm and snug, my romantic heart longs for someone. Misses him. Pines for him.
On our last weekend together, we were watching a friend of ours play music downtown and he played this song, I told Sandy that it made me think of him.
In March, we went up to Flagstaff together to see Brett Dennen. Every one of his songs now reminds me of Sandy.
And this Dylan song.... just fits~
Someday we'll meet again... Maybe in the stars... hopefully tonight in my dreams~
