Swimming in the Deep End

I wonder sometimes how others deal with pain, with grief.  I know people who have had horrible tragedies handed to them, yet, whether they want to or not, they somehow find it in them to survive.  I have not had a tragedy quite so destructive, but, i have had a pretty severe "kick in the balls" and for the first time in my usually sweet and charmed life, this happy go lucky girl is having a difficult time just getting through. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a choke hold, gasping for breath, wondering if i should tap out or keep fighting.  The intensity is only deepened by the sights and sounds of giggling children and happy families.
I have tried several times in the past 2 months to blog about how i was feeling, and what was going on in my battle for Jasper, but, every time i tried, i was overwhelmed and all of my thoughts swirled around and around in my head like a hurricane, with no beginning and no end.  To figure out a way to collect them and express them in any sort of eloquent manner was un-excusably and undeniably too difficult of a task to undertake, so, i would log off and walk away from the computer.

When i received the letter from the courts telling me that my ex had been awarded custody, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me.  I felt shattered and broken.  I was reading the letter in the truck of the man i had been seeing for the past year and he watched in awe as i broke down shaking and crying.  He had been in my life long enough to watch this complete madness unfold around our relationship and held space for me the best he could during my moments of crazy.  He took me home and sat with me as i lay on my bed crying and scratching at my skin because it didn't feel real.
In the weeks that have followed, i have been in a state of loose cannon type emotions, having to leave work early, or duck out of a grocery store because some cute little boy was standing in front of me, reminding me that mine is a 6 hour drive away.  He's alive and well, and for that i'm happy, it's not like i lost him tragically and will never see him again, but, knowing that he's being raised in another town, that his father, who i obviously do not get along with, is the one putting him to bed at night, helping him with school projects....not only that, but another woman, my ex husbands much younger, pregnant girlfriend is surrogate mom. 
NO! okay? NO!
i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm exhausted from over use of my tear ducts and i'm FED UP!
In the coming days, as often as i can, a regular account of my return to the land of the living and what i plan on doing next will be available to follow~
For now....
i wake up, i get up, i enjoy the gifts surrounding me and i breath~

The Hotel Blue - Hotel Review

Located at the West end of Albuquerque's downtown district, The Hotel Blue is a great place to stay for those who want to be near to nightlife, restaurants, Old Town, The Bio Park and more.
I stayed here recently while in town to see family.  I usually stay with my mom, but she's a little far from everything, plus, well, this place has a pool and it's summertime, enough said.
The decor is a little Art Deco meets 1970s chic, with beautiful black and white checker'd floors and nice, not so bright lighting. I pulled up in front and walked in to the lobby to check in and was greeted by a friendly young lady, who was helpful and sweet. The parking lot is fenced and one can only enter it with the room key, so it felt safe and secure.
My room, on the 5th floor was clean and well taken care of.  I had an eastern view, which faced the pool, as well as downtown Albuquerque, so that was nice.

I spent the afternoons in the pool with my children, and we really enjoyed our time there.  The pool was clean, and did not seem so overly chlorinated that you felt like your skin was falling off when you got out. The pool was surrounded by chairs, tables and lounge chairs, and when we needed extra towels, the front desk staff was happy to oblige.

The Hotel Blues offer a complimentary breakfast from 6 to 10 and is full of everything from instant oatmeal, to mini muffins, to scrambled eggs, potatoes and bacon.  They serve Starbucks coffee, and everything seemed clean and well stocked.  If i might make any suggestions, it would be to maybe have a few fixings for the eggs and potatoes, like grated cheese and salsa or chives.  I would also suggest a few more healthy options, like perhaps fruit and yogurt. 

Rooms run from about $69-$129, and i was able to get a good deal on one of those discount travel sites.

A little history: 

Opened as Downtowner Motor Inn in June 6, 1965, this hotel has gone through several name changes; the current name "The Hotel Blue" was given to it in late 1990s when it was renovated to a chick boutique in an Art Deco theme. Downtowner Inn, Quality Inn, Ramada Inn-Downtown, Downtown Inn, Quality Inn - Central, Quality Inn - Downtown, Ramada Inn-Downtown are the names give to the hotel before the current name " The Hotel Blue".
The current ownership renovated all the rooms in 2007 & 2008 and continuously improving the amenities and services keeping our guests in mind. The projects in near future are complete makeover of the exterior and the public areas.

***I would give The Hotel Blue 3 1/2 Stars in a 5 star rating.

And yes, i would stay there again.

One last thing:

Albuquerque is known for hot air balloons.  It's the home of the International Balloon Fiesta, which, if you have never seen, absolutely must at least once in your life, but, on any given morning, there are at least 2 to 3 balloons in the air.  It's really very beautiful and peaceful. 

This was the view outside of my room on my last morning there~

Stunning! 

Beyond Magenta: Transgender teens speak out
by Susan Kuklin

For those of you just coming on board, i am the parent or a trans gender child.  My middle child, Ronin was born with boy parts, but, quite honestly, anyone who has watched this child grow up would tell you how magical and androgynous she has always been.  I won't go into our whole story right now, but what i WILL do is direct your attention to a book that i bought for her last spring that quite possibly helped her to release a bit of fear and anxiety about her life and her struggles.  

Award winning author and photographer Susan Kuklin interviewed and photographed 4 separate young transgender adults and has compiled their stories and images in this hard cover "coffee table" type book.  These 4 people tell their stories, talk about love, hard ache and everything in between.  In the times we're living where our children now have role models like Laverne Cox and Janet Mock gracing the covers of magazines, and telling their stories, let's not forget to give a voice to those young folks who are still maneuvering the dark waters of what it means to be transgender in the world today.

Here are the links to parts I & II of Kuklin's interviews on Pirate Tree and her website.

http://www.thepiratetree.com/2014/03/13/beyond-magenta-an-interview-with-susan-kuklin-part-i/

http://www.thepiratetree.com/2014/03/20/beyond-magenta-an-interview-with-susan-kuklin-part-ii/

http://www.susankuklin.net/

The Painted Girls (Book Review)

The Painted Girls
by Cathy Marie Buchanan

"A historical fiction based on a sculpture by Degas, this story was captivating in its ability to encapsulate the world of three lowly, underprivileged sisters in1880's Paris. As soon as I was introduced to Antoinette and Maire, a beautiful picture was already painted in my mind of the girls in their laced up ballerina slippers and tattered practice skirts. The coming of age, the sisterly love, the loss of innocence and the idea of a better life, kept me up nights wanting to know more and read on. Buchanan pulls together reality and imagination and weaves a tale of a tie past in a way that made me feel like I was walking the streets of Montmartre with every page."