Swimming in the Deep End

I wonder sometimes how others deal with pain, with grief.  I know people who have had horrible tragedies handed to them, yet, whether they want to or not, they somehow find it in them to survive.  I have not had a tragedy quite so destructive, but, i have had a pretty severe "kick in the balls" and for the first time in my usually sweet and charmed life, this happy go lucky girl is having a difficult time just getting through. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a choke hold, gasping for breath, wondering if i should tap out or keep fighting.  The intensity is only deepened by the sights and sounds of giggling children and happy families.
I have tried several times in the past 2 months to blog about how i was feeling, and what was going on in my battle for Jasper, but, every time i tried, i was overwhelmed and all of my thoughts swirled around and around in my head like a hurricane, with no beginning and no end.  To figure out a way to collect them and express them in any sort of eloquent manner was un-excusably and undeniably too difficult of a task to undertake, so, i would log off and walk away from the computer.

When i received the letter from the courts telling me that my ex had been awarded custody, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me.  I felt shattered and broken.  I was reading the letter in the truck of the man i had been seeing for the past year and he watched in awe as i broke down shaking and crying.  He had been in my life long enough to watch this complete madness unfold around our relationship and held space for me the best he could during my moments of crazy.  He took me home and sat with me as i lay on my bed crying and scratching at my skin because it didn't feel real.
In the weeks that have followed, i have been in a state of loose cannon type emotions, having to leave work early, or duck out of a grocery store because some cute little boy was standing in front of me, reminding me that mine is a 6 hour drive away.  He's alive and well, and for that i'm happy, it's not like i lost him tragically and will never see him again, but, knowing that he's being raised in another town, that his father, who i obviously do not get along with, is the one putting him to bed at night, helping him with school projects....not only that, but another woman, my ex husbands much younger, pregnant girlfriend is surrogate mom. 
NO! okay? NO!
i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm exhausted from over use of my tear ducts and i'm FED UP!
In the coming days, as often as i can, a regular account of my return to the land of the living and what i plan on doing next will be available to follow~
For now....
i wake up, i get up, i enjoy the gifts surrounding me and i breath~