Swimming in the Deep End

I wonder sometimes how others deal with pain, with grief.  I know people who have had horrible tragedies handed to them, yet, whether they want to or not, they somehow find it in them to survive.  I have not had a tragedy quite so destructive, but, i have had a pretty severe "kick in the balls" and for the first time in my usually sweet and charmed life, this happy go lucky girl is having a difficult time just getting through. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a choke hold, gasping for breath, wondering if i should tap out or keep fighting.  The intensity is only deepened by the sights and sounds of giggling children and happy families.
I have tried several times in the past 2 months to blog about how i was feeling, and what was going on in my battle for Jasper, but, every time i tried, i was overwhelmed and all of my thoughts swirled around and around in my head like a hurricane, with no beginning and no end.  To figure out a way to collect them and express them in any sort of eloquent manner was un-excusably and undeniably too difficult of a task to undertake, so, i would log off and walk away from the computer.

When i received the letter from the courts telling me that my ex had been awarded custody, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me.  I felt shattered and broken.  I was reading the letter in the truck of the man i had been seeing for the past year and he watched in awe as i broke down shaking and crying.  He had been in my life long enough to watch this complete madness unfold around our relationship and held space for me the best he could during my moments of crazy.  He took me home and sat with me as i lay on my bed crying and scratching at my skin because it didn't feel real.
In the weeks that have followed, i have been in a state of loose cannon type emotions, having to leave work early, or duck out of a grocery store because some cute little boy was standing in front of me, reminding me that mine is a 6 hour drive away.  He's alive and well, and for that i'm happy, it's not like i lost him tragically and will never see him again, but, knowing that he's being raised in another town, that his father, who i obviously do not get along with, is the one putting him to bed at night, helping him with school projects....not only that, but another woman, my ex husbands much younger, pregnant girlfriend is surrogate mom. 
NO! okay? NO!
i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm exhausted from over use of my tear ducts and i'm FED UP!
In the coming days, as often as i can, a regular account of my return to the land of the living and what i plan on doing next will be available to follow~
For now....
i wake up, i get up, i enjoy the gifts surrounding me and i breath~

Dancing to the Violin

There are those times when the pain of what's going on around just sort of hits like a ton of bricks.  You're just going along with your day, easy peasy, then KABLAM! Next thing i know, i'm sobbing like a baby, i'm an uncontrollable pile of mush! I started this blog originally because i enjoy writing and sharing.  I have a rather large following on facebook, but it isn't necessarily the place to share more than snippets and tidbits of things, like quotes or pictures.  I wanted to write things about fun adventures that my kids and i have together, share about the life and times of raising a transgender teen, maybe throw in a book review or chat about a good/bad restaurant experience.  I have not posted anything since the custody trial last month.  Yes, it's been ONE MONTH since we went in front of the Judge,and STILL, no answer yet as to the primary residence of my baby boy, Jasper. I truly do not understand what could be taking the Judge so long to decide.  I'm sure he has a lot on his plate, several cases to contend with, but why not come up with an answer within 48 hours? It's still fresh in the brain, the memory of everything that was said, how each party represented themselves is still vivid.  I feel as though my life is on hold.  I'm waiting, everyday...waiting.  I was alone from 6/3 until 7/13.  As per our "parenting plan" for Bushai and Ronin, I get all of the kids in May, and Josh in July.  I wold have gotten Ronin back earlier in July, but, i had asked that she stay until the 7th because due to a festival i'm involved in, i know that 4th of July weekend would be really hectic and i'd barely be home. I was then asked if Ronin could stay an extra week.  This came as a surprise since she and her father have a somewhat volatile past, but, I figured if she was requesting it, and it made her happy, sure, why not.  On the evening of the 13th, the day before I was to get Ronin, I put in a request from Josh that I get some time with Jasper.  Not only was the answer no, but, he informed me that Jasper would be staying in Albuquerque with his grandpa for the day and I would not be seeing him.  The list goes on and on and I WILL be posting my side of the story piece by piece. 
For the past week, the  weight of it all has taken a toll and I have been moody, cranky and tired.  I'm down, depressed and utterly exhausted. Everybody has asked me about it, and although I appreciate the concern and love, I cannot seem to get a word out about it without turning into mush.  I have cried more in the past month than I can ever remember.  I cried when my marriage ended, but not over loosing Josh, I was sad that what I knew as my family unit was going to drastically change.  It was scary and exhilarating at the same time.  I was a wreck this past Monday when, the school that Jasper Is registered for Kindergarten at started.  Ronin goes there as well, and I couldn't even take her to school that day.  A friend gave her a ride.  I knew that watching all the little Kindy kids walking in on their 1st day would not be a good idea.  I did take Ronin the next day and I had to walk her in because she had a load of stuff for the field trip they were about to leave on.  I wasn't in the classroom for 5 minutes when the art teacher came in.  She hugged me and said, "i'll bet you're glad to have all the kids back, huh?"  I couldn't even answer her.  I teared up and walked outside.  I moved to Albuquerque last summer after Josh because I knew it was create a "shit show" if I didn't.  I love Albuquerque, I love NM, I really do, but, it just didn't seem to fit this time.  I was depressed, I missed my small town, I missed my friends, my community, my life here.  I know that THIS is the place for me to raise Jasper, I know it is.  I hope that the Judge sees that as well.  Until then....I continue to use creative visualization, ask my community for prayers and stay positive~