Onward and Upward

So, here it is.... Time to move.  Who likes moving?  Ugh, right?  It's got to be one of the least liked things that we all have to do once in a while! 
I have done it far too many times in the past few years.  This time, i'm taking my stuff from Prescott, AZ to Albuquerque, NM.  It's been a long time coming for this move and anyone who has read my posts at all, knows what this move is all about and how emotional it all is to me. 
To catch you up, my ex husband, the father of my 3 children moved there 2 summers ago, and long story short... we fought an ugly custody battle over our 6 year old son in which he ended up winning.  So, he has had my precious baby with him there.  My 14 year old stayed with me and my 16 year went there.  Both by choice.  My 14 year old has been there with him now since the holidays when he lost his father.  I knew i'd be heading over, so I let her stay. 
I'm both excited and nervous about this move.  I have friends and family there i'm looking forward to catching up with, art shows I've signed up for and above all, my 3 kids.  I would very much like to have all of them at least 1/2 the time.  One would think that this would be a workable option.  However, my ex is not being very agreeable to this.  His last email to me said this:
"As far as Jasper, every other weekend is more than sufficient. I am already going beyond what you are entitled to per the judges court order. I am not required by any means to go outside the current order. I recognize time with his mother is important, which is why I have offered every other weekend in addition to the allotted Holidays and breaks, as a means for you to see him more often. However, Jasper has a routine established here and is doing very well. I will do what is necessary to continue his established routine as much as possible. Life did not just pause since you left and its hardly fair to completely disrupt Jasper's life. This is his home and this is where he will need to stay on school nights as he is used to. Don't worry, Jasper is not a burden to Melissa. In fact, he enjoys doing his "homework" with Melissa while she does hers. If this does not work you and we cannot come to an agreement, then it may be best to simply follow the court order. The only thing we really need to figure out is Ronin's schedule once you are here and settled and have a job."
The truth is, he was awarded "Primary Custody" so that Jasper would have a primary residence, since we were living in 2 different states.  We were always meant to continue to co-parent in decision making.  I don't recall any of the court ruling giving him permission to run a dictatorship, but, this was how our entire marriage was.  He's not been very kind in regards to our children and custody.  (i'll talk more about it in future posts) I am fully entitled to hve my children, and I things were to have ended up the other way around, and he was moving his life to where I was, i'd not think twice about making changes to allow him ample time with Jasper.  I am so very tired of fighting. It' not that I don't he any fight left in me, it's just that I am TIRED of it! This man and I made 3 children together, we raised them together until we split, then we did 50/50 for a few years.  (Actually, he kept trying to have Jasper more.... and when our oldest and I had a fight one weekend, he basically kept him at that point, coming into my house when I was away, getting his clothes, dresser, etc...)
So, now, I am moving my life to Albuquerque to be with my kids and he's going to be selfish...WTF? 
This is not how I want to start my journey, but, I am not surprised by his reaction.
Right now, I am reminding myself to BREATHE and be present with myself, so I can respond and not react.
Praying that the powers that be give me strength.

Be Fearless

 

BE FEARLESS

 

That is what came into my mind yesterday.  It almost completely came over me.  I was at work, wrapping a gift, and I simultaneously heard these words spoken to me as I saw them in my mind. 

Knowing that I seem to have to be continuously keeping my defenses up when it comes to dealing with my children's father.  I am so very tired of fighting.  Hell, I was tired of fighting 16 years ago, but, I chose this man to marry and have children with and through good and bad, stuck it out... over and over it seemed, I continued to "stick it out".  It doesn't sound like any way to conduct oneself and be happy, does it?  Well, it's not.

I recall having conversations with friends way back when my oldest son, who is now 16 was just a baby.  Before he was a year old, I was looking for a way out of an unhappy situation.  My friends during that time of my life also recall those days. 

I'm  a stubborn girl, and just wanted it to work.  I was 23 when we got married, which, by the way, we rushed into. 

Those days are a bit of a blur.  We were young, it was the 90s and we were stoned.... ALL THE TIME!

I loved him, I think.  I had had a few relationships previously, and I remember be really in love with at least one guy.  I don't recall ever feeling that sort of fire and passion for my ex, but, there was comfort.  A friendship.  A longing to just have someone in my life.

He must have presented what I needed at that time.  We used to go for long hikes in the woods and stay up all night smoking pot and discussing the universe and philosophy.

But we fought, oh...how we fought.  Even back then.

Something that occurred to me after I had my first baby, and was upset because my ex didn't feel the need to celebrate my first Mother's Day, was that he didn't cherish me.  I was just this woman he married, had a son with and lived with.  He didn't have the first clue as to what it meant to really love a woman, to honor her, to lift her up, he didn't understand my essence, nor did choose to try.

I could go on and on....but right now, I'm dealing with the present.  With his inability to want to work with me when it comes to our children. 

Next week is Christmas and he has all 3 kids in Albuquerque.  Ronin went out 2 weeks ago when her grandpa had a stroke.  So, I made plans to be out there for the week of Christmas.  I text him, and he informs me that it's actually HIS week.  That I can have the kids on Christmas day, but, that they have things going on all week and plans with friends on Christmas Eve.  WHAT???  i'm driving out and I can't have them until Christmas Day?  I would normally be completely livid, but...I have had to deal with this sort of garbage so many times, I just took a deep breath and decided to make it work.  To be grateful for Christmas day, and allow that gratitude to flow.  I should have them all next week, but unfortunately, I work every day and will be packing up my house to move, so, I am letting them stay in NM, instead of bringing them into a disaster house.  Maybe that's the wrong decision, but, i'll get them for Spring Break, and plan to do something really fun~
These little scenarios are tiresome.  I have had to deal with so many, it's hard to count.  My ex husband, the father of my 3 children has such little respect or even care for me or my feelings.  Whether he wants to believe it or not, his actions have an affect on the kids.  They may not say anything now, but, time will allow them to be bold and express their distaste for the things he does.
BE FEARLESS
My new mantra
BE BOLD
Another good one
BE PATIENT
The story of my life
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Yes....
It shall~
BE GRATEFUL
~ALWAYS~

 

 



Swimming in the Deep End

I wonder sometimes how others deal with pain, with grief.  I know people who have had horrible tragedies handed to them, yet, whether they want to or not, they somehow find it in them to survive.  I have not had a tragedy quite so destructive, but, i have had a pretty severe "kick in the balls" and for the first time in my usually sweet and charmed life, this happy go lucky girl is having a difficult time just getting through. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a choke hold, gasping for breath, wondering if i should tap out or keep fighting.  The intensity is only deepened by the sights and sounds of giggling children and happy families.
I have tried several times in the past 2 months to blog about how i was feeling, and what was going on in my battle for Jasper, but, every time i tried, i was overwhelmed and all of my thoughts swirled around and around in my head like a hurricane, with no beginning and no end.  To figure out a way to collect them and express them in any sort of eloquent manner was un-excusably and undeniably too difficult of a task to undertake, so, i would log off and walk away from the computer.

When i received the letter from the courts telling me that my ex had been awarded custody, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me.  I felt shattered and broken.  I was reading the letter in the truck of the man i had been seeing for the past year and he watched in awe as i broke down shaking and crying.  He had been in my life long enough to watch this complete madness unfold around our relationship and held space for me the best he could during my moments of crazy.  He took me home and sat with me as i lay on my bed crying and scratching at my skin because it didn't feel real.
In the weeks that have followed, i have been in a state of loose cannon type emotions, having to leave work early, or duck out of a grocery store because some cute little boy was standing in front of me, reminding me that mine is a 6 hour drive away.  He's alive and well, and for that i'm happy, it's not like i lost him tragically and will never see him again, but, knowing that he's being raised in another town, that his father, who i obviously do not get along with, is the one putting him to bed at night, helping him with school projects....not only that, but another woman, my ex husbands much younger, pregnant girlfriend is surrogate mom. 
NO! okay? NO!
i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm exhausted from over use of my tear ducts and i'm FED UP!
In the coming days, as often as i can, a regular account of my return to the land of the living and what i plan on doing next will be available to follow~
For now....
i wake up, i get up, i enjoy the gifts surrounding me and i breath~

Dancing to the Violin

There are those times when the pain of what's going on around just sort of hits like a ton of bricks.  You're just going along with your day, easy peasy, then KABLAM! Next thing i know, i'm sobbing like a baby, i'm an uncontrollable pile of mush! I started this blog originally because i enjoy writing and sharing.  I have a rather large following on facebook, but it isn't necessarily the place to share more than snippets and tidbits of things, like quotes or pictures.  I wanted to write things about fun adventures that my kids and i have together, share about the life and times of raising a transgender teen, maybe throw in a book review or chat about a good/bad restaurant experience.  I have not posted anything since the custody trial last month.  Yes, it's been ONE MONTH since we went in front of the Judge,and STILL, no answer yet as to the primary residence of my baby boy, Jasper. I truly do not understand what could be taking the Judge so long to decide.  I'm sure he has a lot on his plate, several cases to contend with, but why not come up with an answer within 48 hours? It's still fresh in the brain, the memory of everything that was said, how each party represented themselves is still vivid.  I feel as though my life is on hold.  I'm waiting, everyday...waiting.  I was alone from 6/3 until 7/13.  As per our "parenting plan" for Bushai and Ronin, I get all of the kids in May, and Josh in July.  I wold have gotten Ronin back earlier in July, but, i had asked that she stay until the 7th because due to a festival i'm involved in, i know that 4th of July weekend would be really hectic and i'd barely be home. I was then asked if Ronin could stay an extra week.  This came as a surprise since she and her father have a somewhat volatile past, but, I figured if she was requesting it, and it made her happy, sure, why not.  On the evening of the 13th, the day before I was to get Ronin, I put in a request from Josh that I get some time with Jasper.  Not only was the answer no, but, he informed me that Jasper would be staying in Albuquerque with his grandpa for the day and I would not be seeing him.  The list goes on and on and I WILL be posting my side of the story piece by piece. 
For the past week, the  weight of it all has taken a toll and I have been moody, cranky and tired.  I'm down, depressed and utterly exhausted. Everybody has asked me about it, and although I appreciate the concern and love, I cannot seem to get a word out about it without turning into mush.  I have cried more in the past month than I can ever remember.  I cried when my marriage ended, but not over loosing Josh, I was sad that what I knew as my family unit was going to drastically change.  It was scary and exhilarating at the same time.  I was a wreck this past Monday when, the school that Jasper Is registered for Kindergarten at started.  Ronin goes there as well, and I couldn't even take her to school that day.  A friend gave her a ride.  I knew that watching all the little Kindy kids walking in on their 1st day would not be a good idea.  I did take Ronin the next day and I had to walk her in because she had a load of stuff for the field trip they were about to leave on.  I wasn't in the classroom for 5 minutes when the art teacher came in.  She hugged me and said, "i'll bet you're glad to have all the kids back, huh?"  I couldn't even answer her.  I teared up and walked outside.  I moved to Albuquerque last summer after Josh because I knew it was create a "shit show" if I didn't.  I love Albuquerque, I love NM, I really do, but, it just didn't seem to fit this time.  I was depressed, I missed my small town, I missed my friends, my community, my life here.  I know that THIS is the place for me to raise Jasper, I know it is.  I hope that the Judge sees that as well.  Until then....I continue to use creative visualization, ask my community for prayers and stay positive~

The fight for Jasper

What is one supposed to do when it feels as though all of the air has been sucked out of their lungs?  Like the world is swirling around and your being bumped around as though in a washing machine?  

We all have out moments don't we? Those days when it literally hurts to get out of bed.

Today for me has been one of those kind of days.  

This is a new blog and i haven't given much history on me or my family, but that will come in time.  So read on dear reader and come back for more because believe, there is much to write about.

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday.  I celebrated it in style last week with my very sweet, very caring fella in Las Vegas and Southern Cali.  Knowing what i would be faced with today, we made our way back to AZ on Sunday.

When i woke up this morning, before my alarm, i wanted to wish it away.  I wanted to close my eyes again and dream away the day, maybe even my life.  But i knew taht there were things to be done.

At 8:50 am, dressed in a sweet frock of blood orange obtained at the local thrift store, grey tights, black flats and my nerd glasses, i walked up the stairs of the Yavapai County Courthouse.  My ex husband and his partner, a pretty girl 15 years his junior had arrived shortly before me.  At 9:00 am, we were welcomed into the courtroom.  He was greeted by his attorney, a sharp dressed, tough looking bald man who has a reputation in town for intimidation.  

My former husband took the stand, and was asked several questions about my legal standing and the traffic citations i had received in the past.  Josh was under oath, and i would not accuse him lying, but, his perception and memory of certain events were not as i recall them to be.  But, it's the past, and things get scued. 

Our memories have a way of filing things away and creating their own stories in our minds.  So, i sat, i listened, i may have even rolled my eyes a few times, but, it was his chance to be on the stand and it was his side of our story.

When i was allowed my turn, alone, representing myself, i made my way to the stand and sat down.  I was able at this time to tell my story, to express my reasons as to why i believe that Jasper, my 5 year old son, the party in question, would be better of with me.  It was EXCRUCIATING to say the least, but, i got through it with only maybe 2 teary moments.  Anyone who knows me, knows that holding in the tears is not an easy feat for me.  

Needless to say, after what felt like the emotional equivalent of the sinking of the Titanic in my heart, we were done.  I left the courtroom, exited the courthouse, and ran to my car before the water works started.  I was a complete mess.  I tried calling a few of my closest friends, including my boyfriend who talked me through about 15 minutes of uncontrollable tears.    

I went into my favorite little nearby bakery and had tea and lentil soup and the owner even came out and gave me a lovely fruit tart to, as she put it "take the edge off".  

The fate of my 5 year old child has yet to be decided, the Judge is taking our testimonies into consideration and will let us know "as soon as possible".

For now, i sit on pins and needles.

Waiting

Anticipating

Trying not to completely freak out.

Looking for my inner strength and power~

Calling on Kali!!!!!

*** काली ***

Kali also known as Kalika is the hindu Goddess associated with Empowerment, SHAKTI~

She is the FIERCE aspect of the Goddess Durga~