Onward and Upward

So, here it is.... Time to move.  Who likes moving?  Ugh, right?  It's got to be one of the least liked things that we all have to do once in a while! 
I have done it far too many times in the past few years.  This time, i'm taking my stuff from Prescott, AZ to Albuquerque, NM.  It's been a long time coming for this move and anyone who has read my posts at all, knows what this move is all about and how emotional it all is to me. 
To catch you up, my ex husband, the father of my 3 children moved there 2 summers ago, and long story short... we fought an ugly custody battle over our 6 year old son in which he ended up winning.  So, he has had my precious baby with him there.  My 14 year old stayed with me and my 16 year went there.  Both by choice.  My 14 year old has been there with him now since the holidays when he lost his father.  I knew i'd be heading over, so I let her stay. 
I'm both excited and nervous about this move.  I have friends and family there i'm looking forward to catching up with, art shows I've signed up for and above all, my 3 kids.  I would very much like to have all of them at least 1/2 the time.  One would think that this would be a workable option.  However, my ex is not being very agreeable to this.  His last email to me said this:
"As far as Jasper, every other weekend is more than sufficient. I am already going beyond what you are entitled to per the judges court order. I am not required by any means to go outside the current order. I recognize time with his mother is important, which is why I have offered every other weekend in addition to the allotted Holidays and breaks, as a means for you to see him more often. However, Jasper has a routine established here and is doing very well. I will do what is necessary to continue his established routine as much as possible. Life did not just pause since you left and its hardly fair to completely disrupt Jasper's life. This is his home and this is where he will need to stay on school nights as he is used to. Don't worry, Jasper is not a burden to Melissa. In fact, he enjoys doing his "homework" with Melissa while she does hers. If this does not work you and we cannot come to an agreement, then it may be best to simply follow the court order. The only thing we really need to figure out is Ronin's schedule once you are here and settled and have a job."
The truth is, he was awarded "Primary Custody" so that Jasper would have a primary residence, since we were living in 2 different states.  We were always meant to continue to co-parent in decision making.  I don't recall any of the court ruling giving him permission to run a dictatorship, but, this was how our entire marriage was.  He's not been very kind in regards to our children and custody.  (i'll talk more about it in future posts) I am fully entitled to hve my children, and I things were to have ended up the other way around, and he was moving his life to where I was, i'd not think twice about making changes to allow him ample time with Jasper.  I am so very tired of fighting. It' not that I don't he any fight left in me, it's just that I am TIRED of it! This man and I made 3 children together, we raised them together until we split, then we did 50/50 for a few years.  (Actually, he kept trying to have Jasper more.... and when our oldest and I had a fight one weekend, he basically kept him at that point, coming into my house when I was away, getting his clothes, dresser, etc...)
So, now, I am moving my life to Albuquerque to be with my kids and he's going to be selfish...WTF? 
This is not how I want to start my journey, but, I am not surprised by his reaction.
Right now, I am reminding myself to BREATHE and be present with myself, so I can respond and not react.
Praying that the powers that be give me strength.

Swimming in the Deep End

I wonder sometimes how others deal with pain, with grief.  I know people who have had horrible tragedies handed to them, yet, whether they want to or not, they somehow find it in them to survive.  I have not had a tragedy quite so destructive, but, i have had a pretty severe "kick in the balls" and for the first time in my usually sweet and charmed life, this happy go lucky girl is having a difficult time just getting through. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a choke hold, gasping for breath, wondering if i should tap out or keep fighting.  The intensity is only deepened by the sights and sounds of giggling children and happy families.
I have tried several times in the past 2 months to blog about how i was feeling, and what was going on in my battle for Jasper, but, every time i tried, i was overwhelmed and all of my thoughts swirled around and around in my head like a hurricane, with no beginning and no end.  To figure out a way to collect them and express them in any sort of eloquent manner was un-excusably and undeniably too difficult of a task to undertake, so, i would log off and walk away from the computer.

When i received the letter from the courts telling me that my ex had been awarded custody, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me.  I felt shattered and broken.  I was reading the letter in the truck of the man i had been seeing for the past year and he watched in awe as i broke down shaking and crying.  He had been in my life long enough to watch this complete madness unfold around our relationship and held space for me the best he could during my moments of crazy.  He took me home and sat with me as i lay on my bed crying and scratching at my skin because it didn't feel real.
In the weeks that have followed, i have been in a state of loose cannon type emotions, having to leave work early, or duck out of a grocery store because some cute little boy was standing in front of me, reminding me that mine is a 6 hour drive away.  He's alive and well, and for that i'm happy, it's not like i lost him tragically and will never see him again, but, knowing that he's being raised in another town, that his father, who i obviously do not get along with, is the one putting him to bed at night, helping him with school projects....not only that, but another woman, my ex husbands much younger, pregnant girlfriend is surrogate mom. 
NO! okay? NO!
i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm exhausted from over use of my tear ducts and i'm FED UP!
In the coming days, as often as i can, a regular account of my return to the land of the living and what i plan on doing next will be available to follow~
For now....
i wake up, i get up, i enjoy the gifts surrounding me and i breath~

Screw you Paparazzi!

http://www.policymic.com/articles/91501/emma-stone-and-andrew-garfield-send-a-powerful-message-to-the-paparazzi?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social

I'm not a big hollywood, starstruck gal.  I would rather NOT follow the goings on of the overly rich, overly spoiled, media modeled show biz types.

Having said that.....

What these two stars did makes me stand up and bow my head to them both~

HUZZAH Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield.  

This makes me happy!!!