The Kids are Alright

When you're about to be a mom for the very 1st time, everyone has advice for you.  From how long to hold them to what kind of diapers to use.  After I had Bushai, in the summer of '98, I remember hearing often about how fast time flies and to enjoy every moment because you won't get them back.
I always graciously responded with "thank you, i'm sure it does" etc.  You think you know.  You think you have an inkling of an idea of what it will be like.  Well... you don't.  You really freakin' don't.  I was 26 when I had Bushai.  I was married to his dad, but already feeling suffocated and wanted out.  I didn't get out.  I knew when this beautiful boy came into the world that I had to make my marriage work, for his sake.  Being a new mom, as most of you may know is such a mixed bag of blessings and challenges.  Bushai was a fairly easy baby, not super needy, no colic, slept well.  I have always been a total "granola mom", ya know, I home birthed, we co-slept, I used cloth diapers, I nursed for an extended period.... I felt like these were all good ways to give my children a healthy start.  When Ronin came, 2 1/2 years later, I did all the same things.  The new challenge?  2 babies under 3! I was lucky enough t not have to work full time.  Their dad was a wild land fire fighter and when it was fire season, it paid really well.  He was gone most of the time, but, honestly, our marriage was so rocky, I really appreciated the time without him.  I know, it sounds bad, he worked, there was $ in the bank, and I got time to myself, with my kids.  I admit it, it was selfish, but, it seemed to work.  I do believe that having josh gone for those extended periods kept us together as long as we were. 
Anyway, allow me to digress...
My children are now 6, 14 and 16.  Actually, Bushai, that sweet little 1st baby of mine will be 17 next Tuesday.  Does the time go by fast? Holy hell, YES!  Of course, one doesn't realize it when you're in it, one simply lives.  I was always a very hands on mom.  We did art projects, I took them to all of the fun, kid and family events I could, we went to the park regularly, we had playgroups, I always did these elaborate, themed birthday parties, etc.  I hope that they have as many good memories of their childhood as I do.  I have boxes full of pictures that I know I need to get into albums someday.
So here we are, the end of summer, the beginning of the school year. 
 Ronin started 9th grade on Monday.  She is going to Media Arts Charter School.  It's near her dad's house, and the focus is art, and especially, art focused in the film industry, which has really blown up here in NM.  She has her sites set on becoming a surgeon, and I am going to encourage whatever it is she wants to do, of course, but the staff and the classes at this school seem really AMAZING!  I have a feeling she may actually find her niche. Her grades are fantastic, so she was placed in all honors classes, but I believe in her!
Today was Jasper's 1st day of 1st grade! My little, bitty boy is a big 1st grader now! I feel like I was just pregnant with him.  Now THAT is a crazy thing to reflect on.  I feel like I have lived several lifetimes in the past 7 years.  I had a baby, got divorced, moved...and everything that has taken place in between.  In so many ways, he's my little baby.  He always will be.  He's still such a precious young thing, ya know.. 1st grade! But, at the same time, ha's so mature.  He's been through a lot, and it shows in his eyes.  Sometimes he can be such a serious kid, but, he's also so sweet and so smart! I love that he's still little enough to want to cuddle with mama.  We like to lay in bed and watch movies on the laptop, or read books.  I know he's going to love 1st grade.
My Bushai, who is just over 6 feet tall, is entering his senior year of high school this year.  I think that one, more than the others makes me want to cry the most.  When I was pregnant with him, 17 years ago, I had no idea what I was in for.  This boy has been my best buddy, and yet, made me cry the most.  He sees the world a lot like I do, which always makes for an interesting relationship.  When he was little, he was always the boy with a big posse of friends.  He grew up with this group of boys in Prescott, that were always getting into trouble together.  Not like big time trouble, but, usual, normal, "little boy" trouble.  Exploring and digging and climbing things.  Since he's a summer baby, we would always put a tent out for his birthday parties, and let him have friends over for a camp out.  We lived on a large piece of land, so they would run round til dark and then we'd have pizza waiting and would string a cord from the house and let them watch movies or play video games on the tv/dvd player one of the families would let their son bring.  It was great fun and I have very fond memories of it.  I miss those days of a bunch of little boys running around, in and out of my house, being loud and crazy.  I didn't realize at the time, when it was driving me a little nuts how precious it was.  All of those boys are now about to be done with high school. 
Does it go fast?  It flies by in a FLASH!
Bottom line here...
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT!!! You need to just be present for every little thing! Stop what you are doing and make a memory! You really do not get any of that time back.  Just love them up and let them know how amazing they are!
Here are pics of Ronin and Jasper on their 1st days of school this week.  Bushai starts in a few weeks.

Reflecting on the Tender Years

As another school year comes to a close, I want to take a moment and reflect on the upcoming 8th grade graduation of my middle child.  When parents say that they've watched their child struggle in school, or perhaps have a hard time fitting in with the other children, I can attest 1st hand that it's heartbreaking. 
As most of you know, my darling 14 year old, is a trans girl.  But, allow me to digress....
As a young child, she was all about mama.  I could rarely even take a potty break with out her crying at the door for me.  Her older brother was already out having playdates and enjoying 2nd grade, when our family pediatrician recommended a special preschool for my 4 year old.  You see, Ronin didn't speak very well.  She had a sort of made up language that we called her "faery language".  Bushai was the only one who could always understand her.  So, I registered this child at a preschool for children with special needs.  My poor baby would cry, and I mean, CRY, every single time I dropped her off.  Luckily, the teacher's assistant, Lisa, befriended Ronin, and create diversions to allow me to leave.  In this school, speech therapy was made a priority for Ronin. She did well, but the road would be long... 
Next, we have Kindergarten.  Of course, we had Ronin going to the same school as her big brother, which was a Waldorf inspired charter school.  A Waldorf kindergarten is about the most precious and adorable place for a young child, and Miss Terese, the teacher, loved each of her children as if they were her own.  Ronin and I had to form a routine around drop off that made this sensitive child feel safe and know that i'd be back.  She continued to have to take speech therapy through the school. The teacher had a soft spot for my baby, as it seems to be her specialty every year since... "Teacher's Pet". 
In the friend department, Ronin pretty much just hung out with Bushai and his friends, remember, during these days, Ronin was living as a little boy, because that's all we knew about her gender at that time.  However, looking back now, Ronin was always sort of androgynous, ya know? Like, a very gender fluid child.  Luckily, as the "hippy mom" I've always been, I never put any thought into it, because I didn't ever agree with ideas behind "gender norms" with young children anyway.  Boys COULD and SHOULD play with dolls, girls SHOULD and COULD play with trucks! Simple as that.
Ronin's one, constant friend even at this tender age was the beautiful, brown eyed daughter of a family we had befriended.  The dad was a firefighter alongside my kid's dad, and the mom, a wonderful woman with similar ideas about conscious parenting.  So, we would get the kids together often. This friendship would continue until at least somewhere during middle school.
So, in 1st grade, we had moved the kids to another charter school.  This one had it's emphasis on a more "Expeditionary" based education.  They went on many amazing field trips and were allowed to learn in a way that coincided with how each child was able to process the information.
Ronin continued in speech therapy classes, and had begun to take Title One special reading classes because she was just not catching on.  This continued through out the elementary grades.  Like I said before though, something about my beautiful child had her the constant teacher's pet. So much so, that she and the Title One teacher, Sarah became very close, and during her father's and my divorce, this wonderful woman became a confidant to Ronin. 
By this time, Ronin had created a few close friendships with a few girls from class and had playdates once in a while.  Continuing in the idea of gender neutral, or androgynousness, on her soccer team, or the wrestling team we had the kids on, this kid would kick butt and take names, she would beat all of Bushai and his buddies at their video games, and then would sit and chat lovingly with her stuffed animals.  My best friend, a very magical being herself, once said that Ronin is full of LOVE medicine to give the world.
So it all went up until maybe grade 5 or 6... she was finally able to end speech therapy as well as the reading program.  Her teachers always loved her cherished her as a good student.  Grades were average, good at some subjects, needed help in others.
Just before her 10th birthday, Ronin came out.  It all happened a bit by accident, but, that story is for another time.
Beginning that year, I sent her to an amazing camp held in the mountains near our hometown.  OUTdoor Gay Camp for Kids.  The brain child of an extraordinary woman, who had gone to college in our town.  This opened so many doors for my girl.
I feel as though i'm getting off the main subject here, since I wanted to talk about her school career.  The other stuff I will gladly blog about later.
So, having been at the same charter school since 1st grade, she was really just treated the very same way she always had been.  As she decided in 7th grade that it was time to begin to transition, the school continued it's support.  The teachers began to used female pronouns and allow her access to whatever restroom she felt comfortable going into.  She had developed very close friendships with several of the other middle school girls and her best friend from childhood was now at this school with her.  All of the parents of these girls were so open and comfortable with allowing Ronin to participate in all girl sleep overs and nobody blinked an eye over it. Ya, she's been lucky.
Most of these girls were a year ahead of her in school and graduated 8th grade last year, leaving her with one more year there before high school.  This is what I had mentioned earlier about her friendship with the one girl last until this point.  After those girls all went into high school, we sort of stopped hearing from them.  Something else was happening, of course, they were all developing boobs and getting their 1st kisses... Ronin was beginning to start puberty in this boy's body that was given to her.  Her 1st kiss from a boy?  Well.... that chapter has yet to be written.
During this past holiday season, Ronin moved to Albuquerque to live her dad.  She knew I was going to make my way here shortly after, and wanted to start the semester at her new school.
Well.... here we are, on the eve of her 8th grade graduation. 
This semester marked her 1st time in a public school, let alone a new kid in a new town.  As has been the norm, her teachers fall in love with her sweet personality and she is the teacher's pet in many of her classes.
What I am most proud of though, is that she's doing an amazing job on her grades!  Her report card from her 1st semester there was all As! Actually, 5 A+s and an A.  The school administration of course, knows about her gender, but, she has chosen to remain "under the radar" so to speak with the school kids. 
So, this child of mine, my sweet, wonderful, caring, "mama's girl" has come SO far!  From barely speaking and having to take special classes, in spite of her struggles through gender dysphoria, my girl is going to wear a pretty dress and these cute, 4 inch wedge sandals she picked out and is leaving one chapter behind as she graduated from the 8th grade with honors. 
I for one, couldn't be prouder. 
Cheers my darling girl! May the road continue to be smooth and may all the right doors open for you on your journey! High school is going to be such a wonderful adventure!

Onward and Upward

So, here it is.... Time to move.  Who likes moving?  Ugh, right?  It's got to be one of the least liked things that we all have to do once in a while! 
I have done it far too many times in the past few years.  This time, i'm taking my stuff from Prescott, AZ to Albuquerque, NM.  It's been a long time coming for this move and anyone who has read my posts at all, knows what this move is all about and how emotional it all is to me. 
To catch you up, my ex husband, the father of my 3 children moved there 2 summers ago, and long story short... we fought an ugly custody battle over our 6 year old son in which he ended up winning.  So, he has had my precious baby with him there.  My 14 year old stayed with me and my 16 year went there.  Both by choice.  My 14 year old has been there with him now since the holidays when he lost his father.  I knew i'd be heading over, so I let her stay. 
I'm both excited and nervous about this move.  I have friends and family there i'm looking forward to catching up with, art shows I've signed up for and above all, my 3 kids.  I would very much like to have all of them at least 1/2 the time.  One would think that this would be a workable option.  However, my ex is not being very agreeable to this.  His last email to me said this:
"As far as Jasper, every other weekend is more than sufficient. I am already going beyond what you are entitled to per the judges court order. I am not required by any means to go outside the current order. I recognize time with his mother is important, which is why I have offered every other weekend in addition to the allotted Holidays and breaks, as a means for you to see him more often. However, Jasper has a routine established here and is doing very well. I will do what is necessary to continue his established routine as much as possible. Life did not just pause since you left and its hardly fair to completely disrupt Jasper's life. This is his home and this is where he will need to stay on school nights as he is used to. Don't worry, Jasper is not a burden to Melissa. In fact, he enjoys doing his "homework" with Melissa while she does hers. If this does not work you and we cannot come to an agreement, then it may be best to simply follow the court order. The only thing we really need to figure out is Ronin's schedule once you are here and settled and have a job."
The truth is, he was awarded "Primary Custody" so that Jasper would have a primary residence, since we were living in 2 different states.  We were always meant to continue to co-parent in decision making.  I don't recall any of the court ruling giving him permission to run a dictatorship, but, this was how our entire marriage was.  He's not been very kind in regards to our children and custody.  (i'll talk more about it in future posts) I am fully entitled to hve my children, and I things were to have ended up the other way around, and he was moving his life to where I was, i'd not think twice about making changes to allow him ample time with Jasper.  I am so very tired of fighting. It' not that I don't he any fight left in me, it's just that I am TIRED of it! This man and I made 3 children together, we raised them together until we split, then we did 50/50 for a few years.  (Actually, he kept trying to have Jasper more.... and when our oldest and I had a fight one weekend, he basically kept him at that point, coming into my house when I was away, getting his clothes, dresser, etc...)
So, now, I am moving my life to Albuquerque to be with my kids and he's going to be selfish...WTF? 
This is not how I want to start my journey, but, I am not surprised by his reaction.
Right now, I am reminding myself to BREATHE and be present with myself, so I can respond and not react.
Praying that the powers that be give me strength.

Be Fearless

 

BE FEARLESS

 

That is what came into my mind yesterday.  It almost completely came over me.  I was at work, wrapping a gift, and I simultaneously heard these words spoken to me as I saw them in my mind. 

Knowing that I seem to have to be continuously keeping my defenses up when it comes to dealing with my children's father.  I am so very tired of fighting.  Hell, I was tired of fighting 16 years ago, but, I chose this man to marry and have children with and through good and bad, stuck it out... over and over it seemed, I continued to "stick it out".  It doesn't sound like any way to conduct oneself and be happy, does it?  Well, it's not.

I recall having conversations with friends way back when my oldest son, who is now 16 was just a baby.  Before he was a year old, I was looking for a way out of an unhappy situation.  My friends during that time of my life also recall those days. 

I'm  a stubborn girl, and just wanted it to work.  I was 23 when we got married, which, by the way, we rushed into. 

Those days are a bit of a blur.  We were young, it was the 90s and we were stoned.... ALL THE TIME!

I loved him, I think.  I had had a few relationships previously, and I remember be really in love with at least one guy.  I don't recall ever feeling that sort of fire and passion for my ex, but, there was comfort.  A friendship.  A longing to just have someone in my life.

He must have presented what I needed at that time.  We used to go for long hikes in the woods and stay up all night smoking pot and discussing the universe and philosophy.

But we fought, oh...how we fought.  Even back then.

Something that occurred to me after I had my first baby, and was upset because my ex didn't feel the need to celebrate my first Mother's Day, was that he didn't cherish me.  I was just this woman he married, had a son with and lived with.  He didn't have the first clue as to what it meant to really love a woman, to honor her, to lift her up, he didn't understand my essence, nor did choose to try.

I could go on and on....but right now, I'm dealing with the present.  With his inability to want to work with me when it comes to our children. 

Next week is Christmas and he has all 3 kids in Albuquerque.  Ronin went out 2 weeks ago when her grandpa had a stroke.  So, I made plans to be out there for the week of Christmas.  I text him, and he informs me that it's actually HIS week.  That I can have the kids on Christmas day, but, that they have things going on all week and plans with friends on Christmas Eve.  WHAT???  i'm driving out and I can't have them until Christmas Day?  I would normally be completely livid, but...I have had to deal with this sort of garbage so many times, I just took a deep breath and decided to make it work.  To be grateful for Christmas day, and allow that gratitude to flow.  I should have them all next week, but unfortunately, I work every day and will be packing up my house to move, so, I am letting them stay in NM, instead of bringing them into a disaster house.  Maybe that's the wrong decision, but, i'll get them for Spring Break, and plan to do something really fun~
These little scenarios are tiresome.  I have had to deal with so many, it's hard to count.  My ex husband, the father of my 3 children has such little respect or even care for me or my feelings.  Whether he wants to believe it or not, his actions have an affect on the kids.  They may not say anything now, but, time will allow them to be bold and express their distaste for the things he does.
BE FEARLESS
My new mantra
BE BOLD
Another good one
BE PATIENT
The story of my life
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Yes....
It shall~
BE GRATEFUL
~ALWAYS~