The Kids are Alright

When you're about to be a mom for the very 1st time, everyone has advice for you.  From how long to hold them to what kind of diapers to use.  After I had Bushai, in the summer of '98, I remember hearing often about how fast time flies and to enjoy every moment because you won't get them back.
I always graciously responded with "thank you, i'm sure it does" etc.  You think you know.  You think you have an inkling of an idea of what it will be like.  Well... you don't.  You really freakin' don't.  I was 26 when I had Bushai.  I was married to his dad, but already feeling suffocated and wanted out.  I didn't get out.  I knew when this beautiful boy came into the world that I had to make my marriage work, for his sake.  Being a new mom, as most of you may know is such a mixed bag of blessings and challenges.  Bushai was a fairly easy baby, not super needy, no colic, slept well.  I have always been a total "granola mom", ya know, I home birthed, we co-slept, I used cloth diapers, I nursed for an extended period.... I felt like these were all good ways to give my children a healthy start.  When Ronin came, 2 1/2 years later, I did all the same things.  The new challenge?  2 babies under 3! I was lucky enough t not have to work full time.  Their dad was a wild land fire fighter and when it was fire season, it paid really well.  He was gone most of the time, but, honestly, our marriage was so rocky, I really appreciated the time without him.  I know, it sounds bad, he worked, there was $ in the bank, and I got time to myself, with my kids.  I admit it, it was selfish, but, it seemed to work.  I do believe that having josh gone for those extended periods kept us together as long as we were. 
Anyway, allow me to digress...
My children are now 6, 14 and 16.  Actually, Bushai, that sweet little 1st baby of mine will be 17 next Tuesday.  Does the time go by fast? Holy hell, YES!  Of course, one doesn't realize it when you're in it, one simply lives.  I was always a very hands on mom.  We did art projects, I took them to all of the fun, kid and family events I could, we went to the park regularly, we had playgroups, I always did these elaborate, themed birthday parties, etc.  I hope that they have as many good memories of their childhood as I do.  I have boxes full of pictures that I know I need to get into albums someday.
So here we are, the end of summer, the beginning of the school year. 
 Ronin started 9th grade on Monday.  She is going to Media Arts Charter School.  It's near her dad's house, and the focus is art, and especially, art focused in the film industry, which has really blown up here in NM.  She has her sites set on becoming a surgeon, and I am going to encourage whatever it is she wants to do, of course, but the staff and the classes at this school seem really AMAZING!  I have a feeling she may actually find her niche. Her grades are fantastic, so she was placed in all honors classes, but I believe in her!
Today was Jasper's 1st day of 1st grade! My little, bitty boy is a big 1st grader now! I feel like I was just pregnant with him.  Now THAT is a crazy thing to reflect on.  I feel like I have lived several lifetimes in the past 7 years.  I had a baby, got divorced, moved...and everything that has taken place in between.  In so many ways, he's my little baby.  He always will be.  He's still such a precious young thing, ya know.. 1st grade! But, at the same time, ha's so mature.  He's been through a lot, and it shows in his eyes.  Sometimes he can be such a serious kid, but, he's also so sweet and so smart! I love that he's still little enough to want to cuddle with mama.  We like to lay in bed and watch movies on the laptop, or read books.  I know he's going to love 1st grade.
My Bushai, who is just over 6 feet tall, is entering his senior year of high school this year.  I think that one, more than the others makes me want to cry the most.  When I was pregnant with him, 17 years ago, I had no idea what I was in for.  This boy has been my best buddy, and yet, made me cry the most.  He sees the world a lot like I do, which always makes for an interesting relationship.  When he was little, he was always the boy with a big posse of friends.  He grew up with this group of boys in Prescott, that were always getting into trouble together.  Not like big time trouble, but, usual, normal, "little boy" trouble.  Exploring and digging and climbing things.  Since he's a summer baby, we would always put a tent out for his birthday parties, and let him have friends over for a camp out.  We lived on a large piece of land, so they would run round til dark and then we'd have pizza waiting and would string a cord from the house and let them watch movies or play video games on the tv/dvd player one of the families would let their son bring.  It was great fun and I have very fond memories of it.  I miss those days of a bunch of little boys running around, in and out of my house, being loud and crazy.  I didn't realize at the time, when it was driving me a little nuts how precious it was.  All of those boys are now about to be done with high school. 
Does it go fast?  It flies by in a FLASH!
Bottom line here...
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT!!! You need to just be present for every little thing! Stop what you are doing and make a memory! You really do not get any of that time back.  Just love them up and let them know how amazing they are!
Here are pics of Ronin and Jasper on their 1st days of school this week.  Bushai starts in a few weeks.

Reflecting on the Tender Years

As another school year comes to a close, I want to take a moment and reflect on the upcoming 8th grade graduation of my middle child.  When parents say that they've watched their child struggle in school, or perhaps have a hard time fitting in with the other children, I can attest 1st hand that it's heartbreaking. 
As most of you know, my darling 14 year old, is a trans girl.  But, allow me to digress....
As a young child, she was all about mama.  I could rarely even take a potty break with out her crying at the door for me.  Her older brother was already out having playdates and enjoying 2nd grade, when our family pediatrician recommended a special preschool for my 4 year old.  You see, Ronin didn't speak very well.  She had a sort of made up language that we called her "faery language".  Bushai was the only one who could always understand her.  So, I registered this child at a preschool for children with special needs.  My poor baby would cry, and I mean, CRY, every single time I dropped her off.  Luckily, the teacher's assistant, Lisa, befriended Ronin, and create diversions to allow me to leave.  In this school, speech therapy was made a priority for Ronin. She did well, but the road would be long... 
Next, we have Kindergarten.  Of course, we had Ronin going to the same school as her big brother, which was a Waldorf inspired charter school.  A Waldorf kindergarten is about the most precious and adorable place for a young child, and Miss Terese, the teacher, loved each of her children as if they were her own.  Ronin and I had to form a routine around drop off that made this sensitive child feel safe and know that i'd be back.  She continued to have to take speech therapy through the school. The teacher had a soft spot for my baby, as it seems to be her specialty every year since... "Teacher's Pet". 
In the friend department, Ronin pretty much just hung out with Bushai and his friends, remember, during these days, Ronin was living as a little boy, because that's all we knew about her gender at that time.  However, looking back now, Ronin was always sort of androgynous, ya know? Like, a very gender fluid child.  Luckily, as the "hippy mom" I've always been, I never put any thought into it, because I didn't ever agree with ideas behind "gender norms" with young children anyway.  Boys COULD and SHOULD play with dolls, girls SHOULD and COULD play with trucks! Simple as that.
Ronin's one, constant friend even at this tender age was the beautiful, brown eyed daughter of a family we had befriended.  The dad was a firefighter alongside my kid's dad, and the mom, a wonderful woman with similar ideas about conscious parenting.  So, we would get the kids together often. This friendship would continue until at least somewhere during middle school.
So, in 1st grade, we had moved the kids to another charter school.  This one had it's emphasis on a more "Expeditionary" based education.  They went on many amazing field trips and were allowed to learn in a way that coincided with how each child was able to process the information.
Ronin continued in speech therapy classes, and had begun to take Title One special reading classes because she was just not catching on.  This continued through out the elementary grades.  Like I said before though, something about my beautiful child had her the constant teacher's pet. So much so, that she and the Title One teacher, Sarah became very close, and during her father's and my divorce, this wonderful woman became a confidant to Ronin. 
By this time, Ronin had created a few close friendships with a few girls from class and had playdates once in a while.  Continuing in the idea of gender neutral, or androgynousness, on her soccer team, or the wrestling team we had the kids on, this kid would kick butt and take names, she would beat all of Bushai and his buddies at their video games, and then would sit and chat lovingly with her stuffed animals.  My best friend, a very magical being herself, once said that Ronin is full of LOVE medicine to give the world.
So it all went up until maybe grade 5 or 6... she was finally able to end speech therapy as well as the reading program.  Her teachers always loved her cherished her as a good student.  Grades were average, good at some subjects, needed help in others.
Just before her 10th birthday, Ronin came out.  It all happened a bit by accident, but, that story is for another time.
Beginning that year, I sent her to an amazing camp held in the mountains near our hometown.  OUTdoor Gay Camp for Kids.  The brain child of an extraordinary woman, who had gone to college in our town.  This opened so many doors for my girl.
I feel as though i'm getting off the main subject here, since I wanted to talk about her school career.  The other stuff I will gladly blog about later.
So, having been at the same charter school since 1st grade, she was really just treated the very same way she always had been.  As she decided in 7th grade that it was time to begin to transition, the school continued it's support.  The teachers began to used female pronouns and allow her access to whatever restroom she felt comfortable going into.  She had developed very close friendships with several of the other middle school girls and her best friend from childhood was now at this school with her.  All of the parents of these girls were so open and comfortable with allowing Ronin to participate in all girl sleep overs and nobody blinked an eye over it. Ya, she's been lucky.
Most of these girls were a year ahead of her in school and graduated 8th grade last year, leaving her with one more year there before high school.  This is what I had mentioned earlier about her friendship with the one girl last until this point.  After those girls all went into high school, we sort of stopped hearing from them.  Something else was happening, of course, they were all developing boobs and getting their 1st kisses... Ronin was beginning to start puberty in this boy's body that was given to her.  Her 1st kiss from a boy?  Well.... that chapter has yet to be written.
During this past holiday season, Ronin moved to Albuquerque to live her dad.  She knew I was going to make my way here shortly after, and wanted to start the semester at her new school.
Well.... here we are, on the eve of her 8th grade graduation. 
This semester marked her 1st time in a public school, let alone a new kid in a new town.  As has been the norm, her teachers fall in love with her sweet personality and she is the teacher's pet in many of her classes.
What I am most proud of though, is that she's doing an amazing job on her grades!  Her report card from her 1st semester there was all As! Actually, 5 A+s and an A.  The school administration of course, knows about her gender, but, she has chosen to remain "under the radar" so to speak with the school kids. 
So, this child of mine, my sweet, wonderful, caring, "mama's girl" has come SO far!  From barely speaking and having to take special classes, in spite of her struggles through gender dysphoria, my girl is going to wear a pretty dress and these cute, 4 inch wedge sandals she picked out and is leaving one chapter behind as she graduated from the 8th grade with honors. 
I for one, couldn't be prouder. 
Cheers my darling girl! May the road continue to be smooth and may all the right doors open for you on your journey! High school is going to be such a wonderful adventure!

Swimming in the Deep End

I wonder sometimes how others deal with pain, with grief.  I know people who have had horrible tragedies handed to them, yet, whether they want to or not, they somehow find it in them to survive.  I have not had a tragedy quite so destructive, but, i have had a pretty severe "kick in the balls" and for the first time in my usually sweet and charmed life, this happy go lucky girl is having a difficult time just getting through. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a choke hold, gasping for breath, wondering if i should tap out or keep fighting.  The intensity is only deepened by the sights and sounds of giggling children and happy families.
I have tried several times in the past 2 months to blog about how i was feeling, and what was going on in my battle for Jasper, but, every time i tried, i was overwhelmed and all of my thoughts swirled around and around in my head like a hurricane, with no beginning and no end.  To figure out a way to collect them and express them in any sort of eloquent manner was un-excusably and undeniably too difficult of a task to undertake, so, i would log off and walk away from the computer.

When i received the letter from the courts telling me that my ex had been awarded custody, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down around me.  I felt shattered and broken.  I was reading the letter in the truck of the man i had been seeing for the past year and he watched in awe as i broke down shaking and crying.  He had been in my life long enough to watch this complete madness unfold around our relationship and held space for me the best he could during my moments of crazy.  He took me home and sat with me as i lay on my bed crying and scratching at my skin because it didn't feel real.
In the weeks that have followed, i have been in a state of loose cannon type emotions, having to leave work early, or duck out of a grocery store because some cute little boy was standing in front of me, reminding me that mine is a 6 hour drive away.  He's alive and well, and for that i'm happy, it's not like i lost him tragically and will never see him again, but, knowing that he's being raised in another town, that his father, who i obviously do not get along with, is the one putting him to bed at night, helping him with school projects....not only that, but another woman, my ex husbands much younger, pregnant girlfriend is surrogate mom. 
NO! okay? NO!
i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm exhausted from over use of my tear ducts and i'm FED UP!
In the coming days, as often as i can, a regular account of my return to the land of the living and what i plan on doing next will be available to follow~
For now....
i wake up, i get up, i enjoy the gifts surrounding me and i breath~

Dancing to the Violin

There are those times when the pain of what's going on around just sort of hits like a ton of bricks.  You're just going along with your day, easy peasy, then KABLAM! Next thing i know, i'm sobbing like a baby, i'm an uncontrollable pile of mush! I started this blog originally because i enjoy writing and sharing.  I have a rather large following on facebook, but it isn't necessarily the place to share more than snippets and tidbits of things, like quotes or pictures.  I wanted to write things about fun adventures that my kids and i have together, share about the life and times of raising a transgender teen, maybe throw in a book review or chat about a good/bad restaurant experience.  I have not posted anything since the custody trial last month.  Yes, it's been ONE MONTH since we went in front of the Judge,and STILL, no answer yet as to the primary residence of my baby boy, Jasper. I truly do not understand what could be taking the Judge so long to decide.  I'm sure he has a lot on his plate, several cases to contend with, but why not come up with an answer within 48 hours? It's still fresh in the brain, the memory of everything that was said, how each party represented themselves is still vivid.  I feel as though my life is on hold.  I'm waiting, everyday...waiting.  I was alone from 6/3 until 7/13.  As per our "parenting plan" for Bushai and Ronin, I get all of the kids in May, and Josh in July.  I wold have gotten Ronin back earlier in July, but, i had asked that she stay until the 7th because due to a festival i'm involved in, i know that 4th of July weekend would be really hectic and i'd barely be home. I was then asked if Ronin could stay an extra week.  This came as a surprise since she and her father have a somewhat volatile past, but, I figured if she was requesting it, and it made her happy, sure, why not.  On the evening of the 13th, the day before I was to get Ronin, I put in a request from Josh that I get some time with Jasper.  Not only was the answer no, but, he informed me that Jasper would be staying in Albuquerque with his grandpa for the day and I would not be seeing him.  The list goes on and on and I WILL be posting my side of the story piece by piece. 
For the past week, the  weight of it all has taken a toll and I have been moody, cranky and tired.  I'm down, depressed and utterly exhausted. Everybody has asked me about it, and although I appreciate the concern and love, I cannot seem to get a word out about it without turning into mush.  I have cried more in the past month than I can ever remember.  I cried when my marriage ended, but not over loosing Josh, I was sad that what I knew as my family unit was going to drastically change.  It was scary and exhilarating at the same time.  I was a wreck this past Monday when, the school that Jasper Is registered for Kindergarten at started.  Ronin goes there as well, and I couldn't even take her to school that day.  A friend gave her a ride.  I knew that watching all the little Kindy kids walking in on their 1st day would not be a good idea.  I did take Ronin the next day and I had to walk her in because she had a load of stuff for the field trip they were about to leave on.  I wasn't in the classroom for 5 minutes when the art teacher came in.  She hugged me and said, "i'll bet you're glad to have all the kids back, huh?"  I couldn't even answer her.  I teared up and walked outside.  I moved to Albuquerque last summer after Josh because I knew it was create a "shit show" if I didn't.  I love Albuquerque, I love NM, I really do, but, it just didn't seem to fit this time.  I was depressed, I missed my small town, I missed my friends, my community, my life here.  I know that THIS is the place for me to raise Jasper, I know it is.  I hope that the Judge sees that as well.  Until then....I continue to use creative visualization, ask my community for prayers and stay positive~

The fight for Jasper

What is one supposed to do when it feels as though all of the air has been sucked out of their lungs?  Like the world is swirling around and your being bumped around as though in a washing machine?  

We all have out moments don't we? Those days when it literally hurts to get out of bed.

Today for me has been one of those kind of days.  

This is a new blog and i haven't given much history on me or my family, but that will come in time.  So read on dear reader and come back for more because believe, there is much to write about.

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday.  I celebrated it in style last week with my very sweet, very caring fella in Las Vegas and Southern Cali.  Knowing what i would be faced with today, we made our way back to AZ on Sunday.

When i woke up this morning, before my alarm, i wanted to wish it away.  I wanted to close my eyes again and dream away the day, maybe even my life.  But i knew taht there were things to be done.

At 8:50 am, dressed in a sweet frock of blood orange obtained at the local thrift store, grey tights, black flats and my nerd glasses, i walked up the stairs of the Yavapai County Courthouse.  My ex husband and his partner, a pretty girl 15 years his junior had arrived shortly before me.  At 9:00 am, we were welcomed into the courtroom.  He was greeted by his attorney, a sharp dressed, tough looking bald man who has a reputation in town for intimidation.  

My former husband took the stand, and was asked several questions about my legal standing and the traffic citations i had received in the past.  Josh was under oath, and i would not accuse him lying, but, his perception and memory of certain events were not as i recall them to be.  But, it's the past, and things get scued. 

Our memories have a way of filing things away and creating their own stories in our minds.  So, i sat, i listened, i may have even rolled my eyes a few times, but, it was his chance to be on the stand and it was his side of our story.

When i was allowed my turn, alone, representing myself, i made my way to the stand and sat down.  I was able at this time to tell my story, to express my reasons as to why i believe that Jasper, my 5 year old son, the party in question, would be better of with me.  It was EXCRUCIATING to say the least, but, i got through it with only maybe 2 teary moments.  Anyone who knows me, knows that holding in the tears is not an easy feat for me.  

Needless to say, after what felt like the emotional equivalent of the sinking of the Titanic in my heart, we were done.  I left the courtroom, exited the courthouse, and ran to my car before the water works started.  I was a complete mess.  I tried calling a few of my closest friends, including my boyfriend who talked me through about 15 minutes of uncontrollable tears.    

I went into my favorite little nearby bakery and had tea and lentil soup and the owner even came out and gave me a lovely fruit tart to, as she put it "take the edge off".  

The fate of my 5 year old child has yet to be decided, the Judge is taking our testimonies into consideration and will let us know "as soon as possible".

For now, i sit on pins and needles.

Waiting

Anticipating

Trying not to completely freak out.

Looking for my inner strength and power~

Calling on Kali!!!!!

*** काली ***

Kali also known as Kalika is the hindu Goddess associated with Empowerment, SHAKTI~

She is the FIERCE aspect of the Goddess Durga~