What is one supposed to do when it feels as though all of the air has been sucked out of their lungs? Like the world is swirling around and your being bumped around as though in a washing machine?
We all have out moments don't we? Those days when it literally hurts to get out of bed.
Today for me has been one of those kind of days.
This is a new blog and i haven't given much history on me or my family, but that will come in time. So read on dear reader and come back for more because believe, there is much to write about.
Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I celebrated it in style last week with my very sweet, very caring fella in Las Vegas and Southern Cali. Knowing what i would be faced with today, we made our way back to AZ on Sunday.
When i woke up this morning, before my alarm, i wanted to wish it away. I wanted to close my eyes again and dream away the day, maybe even my life. But i knew taht there were things to be done.
At 8:50 am, dressed in a sweet frock of blood orange obtained at the local thrift store, grey tights, black flats and my nerd glasses, i walked up the stairs of the Yavapai County Courthouse. My ex husband and his partner, a pretty girl 15 years his junior had arrived shortly before me. At 9:00 am, we were welcomed into the courtroom. He was greeted by his attorney, a sharp dressed, tough looking bald man who has a reputation in town for intimidation.
My former husband took the stand, and was asked several questions about my legal standing and the traffic citations i had received in the past. Josh was under oath, and i would not accuse him lying, but, his perception and memory of certain events were not as i recall them to be. But, it's the past, and things get scued.
Our memories have a way of filing things away and creating their own stories in our minds. So, i sat, i listened, i may have even rolled my eyes a few times, but, it was his chance to be on the stand and it was his side of our story.
When i was allowed my turn, alone, representing myself, i made my way to the stand and sat down. I was able at this time to tell my story, to express my reasons as to why i believe that Jasper, my 5 year old son, the party in question, would be better of with me. It was EXCRUCIATING to say the least, but, i got through it with only maybe 2 teary moments. Anyone who knows me, knows that holding in the tears is not an easy feat for me.
Needless to say, after what felt like the emotional equivalent of the sinking of the Titanic in my heart, we were done. I left the courtroom, exited the courthouse, and ran to my car before the water works started. I was a complete mess. I tried calling a few of my closest friends, including my boyfriend who talked me through about 15 minutes of uncontrollable tears.
I went into my favorite little nearby bakery and had tea and lentil soup and the owner even came out and gave me a lovely fruit tart to, as she put it "take the edge off".
The fate of my 5 year old child has yet to be decided, the Judge is taking our testimonies into consideration and will let us know "as soon as possible".
For now, i sit on pins and needles.
Waiting
Anticipating
Trying not to completely freak out.
Looking for my inner strength and power~
Calling on Kali!!!!!
*** काली ***
Kali also known as Kalika is the hindu Goddess associated with Empowerment, SHAKTI~
She is the FIERCE aspect of the Goddess Durga~
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