There are those times when the pain of what's going on around just sort of hits like a ton of bricks. You're just going along with your day, easy peasy, then KABLAM! Next thing i know, i'm sobbing like a baby, i'm an uncontrollable pile of mush! I started this blog originally because i enjoy writing and sharing. I have a rather large following on facebook, but it isn't necessarily the place to share more than snippets and tidbits of things, like quotes or pictures. I wanted to write things about fun adventures that my kids and i have together, share about the life and times of raising a transgender teen, maybe throw in a book review or chat about a good/bad restaurant experience. I have not posted anything since the custody trial last month. Yes, it's been ONE MONTH since we went in front of the Judge,and STILL, no answer yet as to the primary residence of my baby boy, Jasper. I truly do not understand what could be taking the Judge so long to decide. I'm sure he has a lot on his plate, several cases to contend with, but why not come up with an answer within 48 hours? It's still fresh in the brain, the memory of everything that was said, how each party represented themselves is still vivid. I feel as though my life is on hold. I'm waiting, everyday...waiting. I was alone from 6/3 until 7/13. As per our "parenting plan" for Bushai and Ronin, I get all of the kids in May, and Josh in July. I wold have gotten Ronin back earlier in July, but, i had asked that she stay until the 7th because due to a festival i'm involved in, i know that 4th of July weekend would be really hectic and i'd barely be home. I was then asked if Ronin could stay an extra week. This came as a surprise since she and her father have a somewhat volatile past, but, I figured if she was requesting it, and it made her happy, sure, why not. On the evening of the 13th, the day before I was to get Ronin, I put in a request from Josh that I get some time with Jasper. Not only was the answer no, but, he informed me that Jasper would be staying in Albuquerque with his grandpa for the day and I would not be seeing him. The list goes on and on and I WILL be posting my side of the story piece by piece.
For the past week, the weight of it all has taken a toll and I have been moody, cranky and tired. I'm down, depressed and utterly exhausted. Everybody has asked me about it, and although I appreciate the concern and love, I cannot seem to get a word out about it without turning into mush. I have cried more in the past month than I can ever remember. I cried when my marriage ended, but not over loosing Josh, I was sad that what I knew as my family unit was going to drastically change. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time. I was a wreck this past Monday when, the school that Jasper Is registered for Kindergarten at started. Ronin goes there as well, and I couldn't even take her to school that day. A friend gave her a ride. I knew that watching all the little Kindy kids walking in on their 1st day would not be a good idea. I did take Ronin the next day and I had to walk her in because she had a load of stuff for the field trip they were about to leave on. I wasn't in the classroom for 5 minutes when the art teacher came in. She hugged me and said, "i'll bet you're glad to have all the kids back, huh?" I couldn't even answer her. I teared up and walked outside. I moved to Albuquerque last summer after Josh because I knew it was create a "shit show" if I didn't. I love Albuquerque, I love NM, I really do, but, it just didn't seem to fit this time. I was depressed, I missed my small town, I missed my friends, my community, my life here. I know that THIS is the place for me to raise Jasper, I know it is. I hope that the Judge sees that as well. Until then....I continue to use creative visualization, ask my community for prayers and stay positive~
No comments:
Post a Comment