Onward and Upward

So, here it is.... Time to move.  Who likes moving?  Ugh, right?  It's got to be one of the least liked things that we all have to do once in a while! 
I have done it far too many times in the past few years.  This time, i'm taking my stuff from Prescott, AZ to Albuquerque, NM.  It's been a long time coming for this move and anyone who has read my posts at all, knows what this move is all about and how emotional it all is to me. 
To catch you up, my ex husband, the father of my 3 children moved there 2 summers ago, and long story short... we fought an ugly custody battle over our 6 year old son in which he ended up winning.  So, he has had my precious baby with him there.  My 14 year old stayed with me and my 16 year went there.  Both by choice.  My 14 year old has been there with him now since the holidays when he lost his father.  I knew i'd be heading over, so I let her stay. 
I'm both excited and nervous about this move.  I have friends and family there i'm looking forward to catching up with, art shows I've signed up for and above all, my 3 kids.  I would very much like to have all of them at least 1/2 the time.  One would think that this would be a workable option.  However, my ex is not being very agreeable to this.  His last email to me said this:
"As far as Jasper, every other weekend is more than sufficient. I am already going beyond what you are entitled to per the judges court order. I am not required by any means to go outside the current order. I recognize time with his mother is important, which is why I have offered every other weekend in addition to the allotted Holidays and breaks, as a means for you to see him more often. However, Jasper has a routine established here and is doing very well. I will do what is necessary to continue his established routine as much as possible. Life did not just pause since you left and its hardly fair to completely disrupt Jasper's life. This is his home and this is where he will need to stay on school nights as he is used to. Don't worry, Jasper is not a burden to Melissa. In fact, he enjoys doing his "homework" with Melissa while she does hers. If this does not work you and we cannot come to an agreement, then it may be best to simply follow the court order. The only thing we really need to figure out is Ronin's schedule once you are here and settled and have a job."
The truth is, he was awarded "Primary Custody" so that Jasper would have a primary residence, since we were living in 2 different states.  We were always meant to continue to co-parent in decision making.  I don't recall any of the court ruling giving him permission to run a dictatorship, but, this was how our entire marriage was.  He's not been very kind in regards to our children and custody.  (i'll talk more about it in future posts) I am fully entitled to hve my children, and I things were to have ended up the other way around, and he was moving his life to where I was, i'd not think twice about making changes to allow him ample time with Jasper.  I am so very tired of fighting. It' not that I don't he any fight left in me, it's just that I am TIRED of it! This man and I made 3 children together, we raised them together until we split, then we did 50/50 for a few years.  (Actually, he kept trying to have Jasper more.... and when our oldest and I had a fight one weekend, he basically kept him at that point, coming into my house when I was away, getting his clothes, dresser, etc...)
So, now, I am moving my life to Albuquerque to be with my kids and he's going to be selfish...WTF? 
This is not how I want to start my journey, but, I am not surprised by his reaction.
Right now, I am reminding myself to BREATHE and be present with myself, so I can respond and not react.
Praying that the powers that be give me strength.

No Suffering

***Thursday, 8 January 2015***

 

I woke up feeling emotional, I have spent the better part of the past few days packing up my little apartment.  I have to finish tackling by bedroom and getting everything else into storage today.  I came back to Prescott about a year ago, after a few months in Albuquerque.  I missed so many things about this crazy, little town, that my heart would not rest.  I found a cute little place in one of my favorite neighborhoods and settled in.  One child stayed behind, one came with, and one became the subject of a custody fight that damn near killed me.  There have been times I have let the heartache of the judge's decision create so much inner suffering that I wasn't sure how my spirit would survive, but it did!  Not only that, but I have gained strength and courage to keep going and keep fighting the good fight.  

As I pack my whole life up once again and put all of my "physical possessions" into a storage unit so as to save up more money for my move back to NM to reunite my family, I can't help but feel teary eyed and vulnerable.  The delicate balance of my strength and my delicate emotions teeters on a fine and somewhat slippery ribbon~

I refuse however, to let this world get the best of me~ I had several amazing women in my home last night for a little soiree.  The kind of women who are strong and beautiful and all with their own sense of selves.  I am very lucky to have such wonderful displays of love and friendship in my life!

I know that with every twist and turn, I am blessed~

I bow my head in gratitude and welcome what lies ahead with passion, grace and a smile~

~NAMASTE~



Be Fearless

 

BE FEARLESS

 

That is what came into my mind yesterday.  It almost completely came over me.  I was at work, wrapping a gift, and I simultaneously heard these words spoken to me as I saw them in my mind. 

Knowing that I seem to have to be continuously keeping my defenses up when it comes to dealing with my children's father.  I am so very tired of fighting.  Hell, I was tired of fighting 16 years ago, but, I chose this man to marry and have children with and through good and bad, stuck it out... over and over it seemed, I continued to "stick it out".  It doesn't sound like any way to conduct oneself and be happy, does it?  Well, it's not.

I recall having conversations with friends way back when my oldest son, who is now 16 was just a baby.  Before he was a year old, I was looking for a way out of an unhappy situation.  My friends during that time of my life also recall those days. 

I'm  a stubborn girl, and just wanted it to work.  I was 23 when we got married, which, by the way, we rushed into. 

Those days are a bit of a blur.  We were young, it was the 90s and we were stoned.... ALL THE TIME!

I loved him, I think.  I had had a few relationships previously, and I remember be really in love with at least one guy.  I don't recall ever feeling that sort of fire and passion for my ex, but, there was comfort.  A friendship.  A longing to just have someone in my life.

He must have presented what I needed at that time.  We used to go for long hikes in the woods and stay up all night smoking pot and discussing the universe and philosophy.

But we fought, oh...how we fought.  Even back then.

Something that occurred to me after I had my first baby, and was upset because my ex didn't feel the need to celebrate my first Mother's Day, was that he didn't cherish me.  I was just this woman he married, had a son with and lived with.  He didn't have the first clue as to what it meant to really love a woman, to honor her, to lift her up, he didn't understand my essence, nor did choose to try.

I could go on and on....but right now, I'm dealing with the present.  With his inability to want to work with me when it comes to our children. 

Next week is Christmas and he has all 3 kids in Albuquerque.  Ronin went out 2 weeks ago when her grandpa had a stroke.  So, I made plans to be out there for the week of Christmas.  I text him, and he informs me that it's actually HIS week.  That I can have the kids on Christmas day, but, that they have things going on all week and plans with friends on Christmas Eve.  WHAT???  i'm driving out and I can't have them until Christmas Day?  I would normally be completely livid, but...I have had to deal with this sort of garbage so many times, I just took a deep breath and decided to make it work.  To be grateful for Christmas day, and allow that gratitude to flow.  I should have them all next week, but unfortunately, I work every day and will be packing up my house to move, so, I am letting them stay in NM, instead of bringing them into a disaster house.  Maybe that's the wrong decision, but, i'll get them for Spring Break, and plan to do something really fun~
These little scenarios are tiresome.  I have had to deal with so many, it's hard to count.  My ex husband, the father of my 3 children has such little respect or even care for me or my feelings.  Whether he wants to believe it or not, his actions have an affect on the kids.  They may not say anything now, but, time will allow them to be bold and express their distaste for the things he does.
BE FEARLESS
My new mantra
BE BOLD
Another good one
BE PATIENT
The story of my life
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Yes....
It shall~
BE GRATEFUL
~ALWAYS~

 

 



A Guide to Natural Housekeeping (Book Review)

I have to admit, I am somewhat addicted to this book right now.  I have gone through phases in my adult life where I have been really into making salves and tinctures and other herbal goodies.  I used to make all of my older children's baby products as well as give them as gifts.  I take so much pleasure in being a kitchen herbalist, it makes me happy.  So when I found this book, I was salivating.  There are recipes and ideas for everything from lemons dust cloths to composting and gardening to herbal beauty products.

Being someone who is very "earthy" and tries to be as "green" as possible, I always appreciate new and innovative ideas for ways to eliminate my own carbon foot print. 

Re-using jars and bottles for storage, and recycling items around the house to use in new ways is a passion of mine, so, to me, a book like this can quickly and easily become my household bible.

The author, Christina Strutt is the owner of an English fabric company called Cabbages and Roses, and her other books include Home-made Vintage and Vintage Crafts

I can't wait to make more lovely, earth friendly products from this book!!!

Saint James Infirmary - Tumbledown House

This is my very FAVORITE Tumbledown tune~ It's a VERY old, song from good old New Orleans~*~

Brothers McGhee - Tumbledown House

Here's Tumbledown House at The Raven café in Prescott a few years ago~

Tumbledown House interview

 

 

Every once in a while, we get to experience a legend in the making.  When it comes to the duo, Tumbledown House, I'd say it's like being in the presence of two upcoming legends, two musicians who are amazing entertainers and time travelers. Two people who span the ages with their music and take us on a journey back to a day most of us have never been.  A time our grand parents and maybe their parents might remember. 

Their sweet and soulful sound makes me imagine a sweaty, sexy speakeasy or jukejoint in 1930s New Orleans~

The last time these folks visited Prescott, where they actually called home for a short time, I had the honor to see them play twice, and did a little question/answer session with them.

Here's what they had to say:

 

 

HTC: How long have each of you been involved in music, i.e. playing or singing?

 

Gillian: I took piano lessons in the 6th grade and kind of hated it except for the fact that Mrs. Gee made killer lemon bars.  But then I took to playing guitar in 8th grade and started writing hilariously terrible songs.  I love singing and writing from then on.  But I didn't perform in front of anybody until I was about 20 years old.  It went terribly.  It took me a very long time to get comfortable on stage.  Meeting Tyler and having a partner up there changed everything.

 

Tyler: I started playing guitar when I was 8 years old.  I found a beat up acoustic guitar that smelled like cat pee in my mom's closet and was totally hooked. 

 

 

HTC: Name one song that reminds you of childhood:

 

Gillian: "Here Comes the Sun".  My dad told me when I was young that it was his favorite song and he doesn't often take to too many tunes, so it always makes me think of him.  I remember exactly where we were when said it.  I don't know why it struck me and stayed with me. 

 

Tyler: "Sweet Child O'Mine" by Guns and Roses always takes me back.  MTV was pretty new when I  was a kid and was pretty influential to me because back then, they actually played music videos. 

 

HTC: Which old song would you each like to cover but haven't yet?

 

Gillian: We just heard Mel Torme's Blue Moon and both fell for it.  He does another one I love, but I can't remember the name.  I'll have to get his record and search it our.  I also love Nina Simone's "My Baby Just Cares for Me"

 

Tyler: I've been working on a version of Sidney Bechet's "Viper Mad" but I don't think it's ready yet. 

 

 

HTC: If you could spend one day chatting with an entertainer, singer, musician from the past, who would it be and why?  What would you talk about? 

 

Gillian: Josephine Baker.  She's my biggest inspiration.  I think I share zero personality traits with that fearless womean, but I put her on the tallest pedestal.  I've watched documentaries on her so I know a lot about her life, (including the fact that when walked the boulevards betweend her shows with her pet cheeta, the Parisians would joke that they never knew which end of the leash held the wild animal--I man, to be famous for wearing nothing but bananas around your waist?  That gal must've had some crazy stories!!!) so, I would just ask her terribly personal questions that the documentaries didn't cover. 

 

(Gillian, I'm right there with ya!  I LOVE her, I adore her wild heart!!! She inspires my soul!)

 

Tyler: I think that, if I could talk to any musician from the past, I'd like to sit down with Jimi Hendrix.  He had a way of effortlessly channeling awesomeness when he was improvising.  Everything flowed and there  and there was never any fear or hesitation.  I guess I'd ask him about that, and how fame affected his artistic vision.

 

HTC: 1st 5 songs on your Ipod right now, or at least, top 5 songs you have been listening to currently.

 

Gillian: I'll just name some artist that rev my jets lately.  Their voices and production really do it for me.  In no particular order:

Laura Mvula, Tune-yeard, Sylvan Esso, Cecile McLorin Salvant, PHOX, Emily King, Sally Shapiro, Polica, Kimbra, Lucius, Y La Bamba, Hurray for the Riffraff....so many talented ladied to choose from!!!

 

Tyler: Dramaphone by Caravan Palace

       Coffee by Sylvan Esso

       Operation Costs by Lusine

       I didn't know what time it was by    Cecile McLauren

       Salvant Chum by Earl Sweatshirt

 

 

Thanks for answering my questions guys! Hope to see your beautiful faces and listen to your delicious music live again soon!!!